12:25 AM @
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
assalamu'alaikum.
it's been a real while, and alhamdullilah, so many things have happened for the past no. of months, good and bad things, crap, nonsensical stuff. but i guess i grew. and i learnt so much more about life and people. life.
"abang pergi mana?"
"abang pergi syurga." that struck me.
innallilah, my nephew just passed away yesterday night. he's 10 years old, and he's been suffering from stomach cancer since he was born, if i'm not wrong. he's beetn suffering alot for the past years, and it's Ramadhan now. i guess, on one side, he passed away during this holy month, so alhamdullilah. i went to melawat just now, and i have to salute the mother for being so strong, for not showing any outward signs of sadness and just being strong. my abang and i stayed/were babysitted in that family when we were babies, toddlers till we grew up and went to malaysia. it's been so long since ive met them, but alhamdullilah.
but, i guess when i was there, it made me think, i couldve been him 12 years ago. my mother couldve been her. and my dad, him. i used to think last time that maybe it wouldve been better if i had succumbed and meet Him before i reached that stage, at least i wouldve gone to Heaven. but, masyaAllah, God has His ways. maybe there's a certain purpose for me to stay on this Earth now. and as much as i regret my weakness, succumbing to my human flaws, i shouldnt give up. haha yeahh. insyaAllah.
and, i was thinking. everytime we make mistakes, everytime we feel our weakness and regret them, we, or maybe
i, always ask myself, "why wani why?" but, i never asked (or maybe i did, but it's rare), "so what should you do next time? what
can you do?" haha, thoughts thoughts.
intentions.
anws, on a more positive note, india was, i mean, IS beautiful, haha. this time, i really fell in love with india, the people and the culture. i guess, being able to interact more with the locals help me to understand them better. and i know, i was wrong to have looked at all of them with tinted lenses, but alhamdullilah, im really glad to have people on the team who reminded me of the better things in life =) i know experience shape expectations which then shape perspectives (current and future). and i know, the past experiences with india had caused me to adopt such a prejudiced and biased view against the indians (i mean, not all lar, but i guess youre more careful with them). but im so glad those 3 weeks in india had changed my perceptions. incredible india mann. haha, watching hindi movies, listening to hindi songs and conversations, God, it always make me miss india soo much, all the happenings, the moments, the ... well, everything there. haha, i wanna go back.
andd, sometimes i think, why am i so hard up about grades? haha, as much as i want to get my 4.5 by the time i graduate, im afraid that ill be missing out on so many things in life. like, the reason im not going for the cultural immersion in india for one sem is partly cuz i want to pull up my CAP (besides all the YEP stuff). so, i dont wanna spend an extra sem out since i still wanna do my SEP for another semester. but that means, doing 2 ISMs during my 4 years tenure in NUS. ah well, i mean i love research, i really dooo. i know what i wanna do for my ISMs also, buut i mean cultural immersion is something that is once in your life. like, it's an opportunity not to be missed. and i dont know whether i wanna miss this train. i mean, where can 4.5 get you in the end as compared to someone with below 4.5? HMM. sometimes, i wonder, what do i really want out of life? i enjoy the things im doing now. but i wonder, am i going the right way in other things? am i thinking too much about the end product, and not the process? haha well =X
and i feel much happier and relieved with less things on my plate now. all i wanna do now is to just slack. hahaha, silat studies family friends. yayyy. insyaAllah :D
and this Ramadhan, i wish i can make much better use of it. sighs, insyaAllah.
anws, school's been good. but i feel so drained and tire easily these days. i dunno if it's cuz of the fasting month. hmm... nahh. haha. i dunno, maybe i still havent recover fully from the 'going-all-out' of 7-8months of YEP. hahaha, ah wells. as much as there were times that i was really down and i wanted to give up, alhamdullilah, i shld remember the better things that happened and make a lesson out of those things that didnt turn out that well.
people always expect you to be on the up side. you
have to be okay, and be strong for everyone. haha, it happens - lessons. but im glad i learnt all of these. it jerks me out of my idealistic world. hahaha, my brother wouldve been proud of me. ah, im just saying this in general. no specific people, events or anything =)
i miss the kids. reallyyyy miss them. hahaha, i remember chasing muskan up and down the home, shouting "green, greeen!" and all the random colours, hahaha, i pancit man going up and down the stairs. but i realised that the reason she did that was to have me going to her dorm so she could show me her bed and her wardrobe and her drawings. masyaAllah, what i would do just to run up and down again, after her. haha.
and pooja. goodness, how i love to kacau her. haha it's the negative reaction she gives lar when you kacau her, like so stubborn, and so irritatingly nice. hahaha. and laxmi, such a sweet girl =)) i miss them =((
haha alrights. ill try to update more regularly next time, insyaAllah. =)
till then, insyaAllah =)
take care!
wassalam,
wani
